A Fool’s Errand?

From my Journal, 6th of June 2022.

My life may well seem like a fool's errand. I am seeking to walk a path where I do not know the way. I am seeking to follow a call that I cannot properly hear. I am seeking to understand, when I am lost in unknowing, I am seeking to embark on a journey when I cannot see the next step on the road. I am seeking to make a pilgrimage of my life without knowing how. I am seeking to offer my life and service, but I don't know how to do so. I am seeking to live for love without knowing how. Yet, despite all this, ignorance and not knowing, this deafness, and lostness, this cluelessness, I am hoping nonetheless, to find my way. I am trusting in fact, that the way will find me. I am trusting that the way will see me standing lost as at the edge of a forest, and that the way itself will come and gather me into her embrace and show me how to go.  

In all my years of confusion in trying to understand the mystical life and what it is asking of me, I have not lost faith in the way itself. In all my confused misunderstanding of how to find the way, I have not lost hope that I will find the way. Even in my deep despair, I have not lost hope.

Hope, then, must be the way. The only light that kept shining in the darkness of my lost ways, my confusion, and even my hopelessness, was hope. The light of hope in my heart never died because, no matter how hopeless things seemed, I never lost hope that all would indeed be well, as Julian of Norwich told us. ‘All shall be well, and all manner of things will be well.’

I still believe that all will be well, although I cannot see how that will be. I believe that by being lost I will be found. I believe that despair is not the end, and will not be the end of all searching, but the start of being found. I believe that my endless efforts at surrender will finally cause Love to have pity on me, so that she will draw me to herself, nestle me in the embrace of her love, and never let me go.

I believe that we will all come to live in the oneness in which I believe; the oneness on which I have staked my life. I believe we will come to experience in eternity, the divine union we just taste in this life.